Most Unfortunately Yours
by Belleshazar
Summary: When Draco Malfoy's diary finds its way into the hands of one eager Hermione Granger, the Hogwarts owlery goes awry.


_Author's Note:_ The following is a Dramione solution to Sunday night boredom and is not to be taken seriously by any definition of the word. More updates may follow at my whim.

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**MOST UNFORTUNATELY YOURS**

_To the mudblood more commonly referred to as Granger-_

I highly doubt you will ever comprehend the horror that I am suffering by writing you this little note. My head is aching, there is a twitch developing in my left cheek, and I feel filthy all over.

However, I will try to set aside my general distaste of your know-it-all personality, that absurd tangled mass which you call hair, etc. etc. in order to relay my purposes for contacting you. 

As you may or may not know (although my suspicions tell me that it is the former, as your wealth of knowledge is positively infinite), I have _misplaced_ a certain item of a very_ personal nature_. I am only mentioning this because I spotted you giggling over said item in the library yesterday. I kindly request that you return it haste-post-haste. Otherwise I will be forced to hex you into oblivion.

_Most unfortunately yours,_

_D. Malfoy_

P.S. This is obviously a very delicate matter, and I trust your Gryffindor chivalry will persuade you to keep your fat mouth shut.

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_To the albino ferret that is otherwise known as Malfoy-_

Well, this is shocking, Malfoy. Absolutely shocking. Do you truly mean to tell me that you went to the library? As in, not hovering around the door snarling at first years, not tossing rocks at the windows, but that you actually stepped inside? Please tell me-- are you experiencing lightheadedness, inexplicable joy, or any other side effect of the Imperious Curse? Not that I am questioning your intelligence or ability to make a decision without the usual Crabbe-Goyle unit.

This is an unprecedented occasion. Really, I had no idea you were of literary persuasion. 

_Sincerely,_

_Hermione Granger_

P.S. And no, you may not have your diary back, Malfoy. It's a little something I like to call black mail. But that is a subject that I am sure you, as Slytherin prefect and resident Rude Git, would know all about.

P.S.S. Yes, you were right on page 17. The green tie does make your chin look pointy.

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_That's it, Granger-_

As much as it would pain me to have my personal life splashed all over the front page paper in one of Rita Skeeter's articles, I'm seriously beginning to consider that your slow torture and demise would be well worth the cost. I bet your address is listed in a Muggle floo-book somewhere. If not, I'll just have to resort to sabotaging your Potions final. I imagine Snape will be more than happy to fail you for once.

And I would appreciate it if you stopped cackling like a hag every time you see me from across the Great Hall. You make it very difficult for me to drink my pumpkin juice in peace.

_Anxiously awaiting your arrogant reply,_

_D. Malfoy_

P.S. I have no concept of this "rudeness" you speak of. My manners are impeccable, courtesy of my Pureblood breeding. Perhaps my politeness is merely beyond your Muggle sensibilities. 

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_Oh, Malfoy-_

You might as well admit defeat now. We both know your threats are empty. Do you remember what you said about our dear Pansy Parkinson on page 11? That's very strange-- I was sure you two were an item. By the way, is it true that she "never ceases to pick at those foul boils on her toes and eat them"?

And anyway, I hardly doubt your personal life is worthy of a full spread in the Daily Prophet, let alone the front page. How many times have you complained about your house elf's ironing? Hm, let me count. Oh yes, eight. 

You know, I find cruelty towards house elves to be morally repugnant. You are a prime example of S.P.E.W's level three offenders. As a matter of fact, I believe I am going to add you to the Elf Watch list for harmful endangerment of a magical creature.

_Disrespectfully yours,_

_Hermione Granger_

P.S. Muggles don't have floo-books, you idiot. I would have thought that a wizard of your unequalled standing would realize that. Speaking of realizations, I just discovered yesterday that you squint your eyes up rather funny while drinking pumpkin juice.

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